"I just need to pop down and get a couple of things that I need."
"Anyone would think it was an army you're going to feed."
"If it were left up to you we wouldn't celebrate Christmas, is just the top of the list of things that you hate. While I'm out you could post those few cards through the doors, but don't smile in case the kids think you're Santa Claus. There's only 7 for you take and deliver in the street."
"That's cos the rest of them can't speak English that I meet!"
"It only seems like yesterday that we knew everyone."
"Yes and now there's just 7 as the rest of them's gone."
"It's just me mam. I called to see if you're off to the shop. I need to get odds and ends and maybe a new top"
"I'll just put my shoes on, then, I'll be ready to go."
"Aye she'll be ready for shopping come ten foot of snow."
"It's nice to get a bit of peace from your constant moan, if I ring make sure you pick up the phone."
"I'm not using one of those mobile contraptions."
"Come on let's away before he starts all of his actions. Contraptions who on earth uses these expressions today."
"As long as he keeps himself amused, I don't care anyway."
We take the daughters car cos she hates my driving and she says we stand chance of safely arriving. I just sit back and enjoy the tedious ride. Saving my petrol causes me a smug smile to hide. I think the whole country must be trying to park today and those exorbitant parking fees we are forced to pay. A miserable traffic warden appears out of thin hair. At the gap between the pavement and the car he gives a knowing glare.
"Another inch and you'd be outside of the line, then you would qualify for an on the spot fine." This little insignificant man can't possibly have a mother. Doesn't the motorist always cop it one way or another. If I had six numbers up on the lottery, I'd be a millionaire. Why doesn't he "sod off," can't he see we don't care.
I arrange my mobility badge for him to plainly see and my daughter suggest we begin with a cup of mocha chino coffee. She locks the car and we hasten to the coffee bar and I thank God that its near and not very far. We order our Coffee and a luscious muffin helps it go down. This to me is the best part of shopping in town.
I need the toilet so I proceed to the door, only to be greeted by sheets of paper strewn all over the floor. Health and Safety are big on making up rules. But who checks upon these idiots and fools. I don't put this disgrace down to the café owners. Surely these provisions for the public really is a big bonus.
By now my knees are crossed and I can't wait, I must use this toilet no matter what the state. On my way out the waitress makes a profuse apology. People come in to use the toilet and don't even want tea. A couple of yards down the street a women on a stool plays accordion. My temper always rises when I see this type of begging going on.
She constantly repeats one line of the "Jingle bell" song, to do this in her own country would be so very wrong, She stops and says to us "Mezzi Kissmas" with a fake smile. I want to put my foot up her " ass" and kick her a mile. Unfortunately with all of the laws in this our fair land. I am expected to give money into stretched hand.
Luckily for her she looks up into my disgusted face and sees that her begging to me is such a disgrace, she looks away knowing she cant get blood out of a stone, and in her own language gives me a curse and a moan. I look into my purse at the £200 fuel payment we pensioners all get, and remark out loud " I wonder how much the dole gave to help that lot.
"Mother" I've told you many times you can't say this out loud, especially in the middle of a large shopping crowd. " When I was younger I could of stood on a soapbox anywhere and voiced my opinion without having to give a care. What I can't understand is why when I travel abroad I must not fail to adhere to that countries laws or end up in jail.
To show of affection between a man and even his wife in a muslin country this gesture will cause you a great deal of strife. I don't condone this law but I accept that's what I should do. I can't abide by their rules I shouldn' t visit them too. At one time an Englishman's home was his castle, but now a "sold sign" says we can't be bothered with the hassle.
By now we have walked around the whole of the town, and my daughter's face is now free
of it's previous frown. "Come on lets go to Thornton's and put a smile on your face. No need to rush just go at your usual slow pace. Those fantastic chocolates do my diabetes no good.
But when I get one in my mouth it tastes like angels food.
She buys me one of each of the five I like best, the sales assistant puts them in a packet and I soon put them to the test. I bite my favourite one in half and hold it in my mouth, and let it melt before making it's way south. The other half soon follows and leaves a heavenly taste.
But I must admit the other four followed in post haste. Our shopping complete it's time to return home, to listen to my other half give me an hours moan. I enter through the door
all prepared for the twist, but a smile greets me " is there something I have missed"
The smell of stew greets me I'm so shocked to find he's prepared it ready so I can enjoy while I unwind.
My daughter stands with a look of unbelievable shock, but we know better than to laugh or even to mock. I sit in my chair and he gives me the hot plate on my knee, no tray to hold it,
that would be too much luxury. He hovers around waiting to see if he's praised , I give a sneaky glance at him with one eyebrow raised.
The stew I admit is to be greatly admired to eat it more often I really wouldn't get tired, His grin is stretching from ear to ear. This 'dicky fit ' must be the result of ' Christmas cheer'.
He passes my favourite mug of tea, I find it hard to believe that he knows that it's me.
The postman has been and left a large envelope for me, I open it quickly 'cos I can't wait to see, the contents are such a pleasant surprise for me, it brings back a host of such very happy memory. I can't contain my excitement as I read what's inside. Those funny postcards really turn back the time.
It's a calendar with a funny picture for each month of the year, and turning over the pages gives me such a joyful cheer. This gift is so thoughtful and hits a soft spot, it conjures up memories that I'd almost forgot. The message was simple and heartfelt I'm sure.
And he couldn't have come up with anytime truer.
My friend has sent it with the warmest of wishes, and the memories it evokes are so very delicious. Every year when a child we would go to Scarborough or Blackpool. My aunts and uncles and cousins and families of half of our school. My Father finished the pit on the Friday afternoon, and my mother had the bags packed and ready so soon.
Saturday morning and the trip buses rolled up in a fleet to take us away for the week was our weekly treat. The calendar cards brought back a memory of a visit to a Scarborough fair, when I climbed a tree by the lakeside to hide for a lark, my older brother shook the tree and I catapulted through the air.
My mother screamed and fell in her haste to leave her deck chair, I was standing in the lake screaming like a young piglet. And the green slime was running down each golden ringlet, my mother on recovering removed my ruined dress and my golden curls were now just a mass of green mess.
She borrowed some paints from my boy cousins to my disgust and over the top of my fathers white cotton vest was a definite must, my mother took these pants down and put me over her knee, as she smacked me I cried and promised never to climb another tree. My father
took my brothers to the "gents"
On his return I saw he also regretted the chain of events. This gift from my friend is one I will treasure because the memories it brings back give me so much pleasure.
Today had started to be trying and such a bore, everything seemed to be just an endless chore.
How I'm sitting back in my favourite chair in it's place, even my old grumpy better half has a smile on his face. He's made me a cup of coffee with a drop of Baileys inside, and puts down a glass of brandy by my side. "That will warm up the cockles of your heart" he cheers with my array of tablets should I have any fears.
Tomorrow he will be back to his moany miserable self, but today this has been a much better gift than wealth. Oh what the heck I think and smile to myself.
"Here's to you and me and our very good health.
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